Linstickultackul

Recently spotted sporting a 'Captain Birdseye' blazer, Andy has now agreed to take over Steve Coogan's role in the next series of Alan Partridge. In a first for TV, there will be no need for the BBC to provide any wardrobe support - Andy will be supplying his own clothes.

As we all know, managing the transition from private housing to public housing can be a stressful time in anybody's life. Just ask Mandy - who was briefly known as Mandy Mattress during her time on Poets due to her preference for disposing of her old bed in her front garden rather than at the local corporation waste site. But now that she's back in a mortgaged property she operates a strictly enforced policy of beds indoors only...posh pig!

It's upto all of us to help those closest to us to minimise the stress of 'downshifting' a couple of postcodes. Think about it for a second - packing boxes can be incredibly tiring, even for the bone idle with nothing else to do. So lets all rally round - I've set up a campaign called Council Aid. A donation of only 25 quid will pay the rent of a 4 bedroom shitehole for 2 months. But make sure you pay it direct to the Council. Tenants are prone to spending hard cash on illicit drugs and cans of Skol Superstrength!

Tired of using attractive stick thin models to hang its clothes off, discount retailer Prickmark has gone back to basics with its new 'Face of 2006'. In a break with recent tradition of using 6 packs and clear skin to sell cheap acrylic jumpers, Prickmark has gone back to the knitting catalogues of the early 1970's and has revived the 'stiff as a board' look that resulted in many happy hours of knitting Arran sweaters that were destined for the loft.

Ex-pat hunk Steve 'Austin' Crowe carries that 'twat' look almost perfectly - a look which is surely destined to bring the 50+ set swarming back into Prickmark for all of their manmade multiples*

* (minimum purchase 6 blouses or 12 pairs of tights for a fiver)

Please - no thieving or offensive phone calls to head office.

Secret filming has caught one of Steve's Australian 'mates' enjoying a serious doggy fiddling session with his lickle princess, Molly. Only recently freed from a spell in prison after being wrongly accused of arse sniffing, Molly now finds herself being tongued by an 18 stone pervert. The RSPCA have been alerted and Molly is now wearing a muzzle to help protect her dignity.

More ASBO's needed in Seedley says local MP

Riot police were called to a house in Seedley this morning after a serious domestic disturbance ended up with at least one pensioner in a flood of tears. The pensioners younger sibling was given a severe "ticking off" after calling a police officer a gayboy. A third sister, described by police as a serious threat to public safety, was detained for almost 15 minutes after attempting to strike a riot officer on the knee with an alluminium crutch. The officer was unhurt, but the crutch has been removed as a precautionary measure whilst the Crown Prosecution Service determine whether there are grounds for charges to be laid.

Police were initially asked to attend when a row spilled out onto the streets at 10pm following a prolonged bout of finger pointing and name calling. A local resident, Chantalle Ebony Guttersnatch, told reporters that: "they were all obviously slaughtered. The eldest woman was waving a can of Co-Op Superstrength at this other woman, whilst the mad woman with the crutch struggled on the ground with the Riot Police as they attempted to remove a half empty bottle of Kwik Save brandy from her spare hand. f*%kin nutters and I'm sick of it round here." Another resident said he heard one woman shout "come on then, outside. I'll kick your arse all the way to a f@#kin' council house on poets". Another woman was spotted nearby biting her fingernails whilst gossiping into a mobile phone with anybody who would listen.

One of those involved in the disturbance, Mavis Crowe, was still incandescant when interviewed by police saying "I'm sick of hearing about Saints and Sinners. Oi!, yeah you, gayboy, give me another brandy!".

Jealous of Steve's opportunities down under, Rob ponders on the change of career . Could he make it to Aus as part of a touring troup of Village People Lookalikies? Maybe even perform in front of Sal at the Sydney Opera House. He'll have to get rid of the dude in the hard hat though...There's a cocksucking cowboy for Sal in the lineup

As you may know, the Breadknife and I are currently in Sydney. I'm here on the pretence of attending some "meetings" - most of which involve sipping a cold one whilst oggling a blonde luvverly through my 1970's mirror shades. I'm very proud of this ability - as I actually manage to have the meeting at the SAME time as sipping a cold one whilst oggling a blonde luvverly through my mirror shades. Good eh...!

Slightly embarrassing incident at the Sydney Opera House last night. Unfortunately, Sally wasn't particularly impressed with the 'singing' during a moving recital of Madamme Butterfly by the La Scala Opera Company who are touring from Milan. I knew that taking her to the Opera House was a bad idea the moment she insisted on sinking her 4th cocksucking cowboy cocktail at a bar on Circular Quay after already having put away a bottle of wine. "Shite" she shouted from Row 4 , to the gasps of the penguin suited audience. "Can't understand a friggin' word of it" she continued, "might as well all be in Italian for all I know". When Mme Butterfly pointed out that it was all in Italian and that the English translation could be found on a subtitles board above the stage, Sally responsed "thought that was for the bus times home - any chance of a bag of chips?". Security was called and we were ejected into the night. I think we'll stick with a DVD in future...Off to the Sydney Comedy Store tonight - think I'll keep her off the cocksucking cowboys.

Salford Social Security investigators have decided to press charges against an Odsall man for falsifying a claim for Permanent Disability Living Allowance. Following what was described as a 'severe and life threatening stroke' by his wife, Mr Terry Tickletackle was caught out by a front page spread in the Manchester Evening News following his surprise win in the annual City of Salford Marathon. After completing the 26.2 miles in a time of 2hrs 28mins - a delighted Mr TickulTackul picked up his winners cheque of 10 grand and made off for the Oddsall Arms to celebrate with fellow 'car vendors'. The DSS have asked Mr TickulTackul to return 22 years of benefits, of which 22 years and 11 months consists of statutory sick pay for osteoperosis of the hip and middle knee and 1 month for stroke related benefits. The Police declined to comment, but said that they would be interested in interviewing Mr Tickultackul about the shipment of 4 V-reg Rovers to Taiwan in the mid-1980s and the disappearance of an entire fleet of ambulances from the old Salford Royal Hospital in 1992.

Terrible news from Down Under. In an obviously biased attack on Canine Rights, the Australian Quarantine and Inspection Service has IMPRISONED Molly Crowe for an offence that she DID NOT COMMIT!

After Hannah got off with pilfering almost eight quids worth of goods from Prickmark on a technicality (how did she get so many valuable items into only 3 bin bags?) - Salford Police contacted their Aussie counterparts to see if they could 'fit up' one of Hannah's relatives. The pigs failed to pin anything on me or Sally, so quickly turned their attention to lickle Molly - and then promptly banged the bitch up for a month for sniffing a police dogs arse in a public place. This is evidently classified as a 'sex crime' in Australia and Molly is now languising in what is best described as the Guantanamo Bay of the southern hemisphere

Speaking on behalf of Molly, Sally Crowe said: "llangarath byor corfaillanth. Y byguntharporallllly nyllosapth". When asked by the BBC to speak in English rather than Welsh, Sally hesitated and then translated "She's friggin' innocent of arse sniffing - no mistake" . Pointing to Molly's cell mate, incarcerated for ripping the face of a new born koala, Sally said: "Lickle Molly's used to sitting on a silk cushion and watching DVD's of Cliff Richard. She can't share a cell with a koala killer - it just isn't fair that a shoplifting spree in Salford has led to Molly having to watch her arse - literally!". Molly's cell mate, known locally as 'Well 'ard'' was heard to make threats against in the exercise yard and apparently nicked two schmacko's that Molly had buried for later:

The Crowe and Winnard families are now campaigning to free Molly - potentially by doing a swap and getting Hannah to serve some bird in Melbourne. Hannah is known to object to this swap on the grounds that "...there are no 'kin Prickmark's in Melbourne - where will I get me trackie tops from...". Wendy, Anne and Mandy are all known to be VERY, VERY supportive with Anne already having cashed in her pension pot to pay for Hannah's flight to the far side of the planet.

Come on everybody - do your bit and LETS FREE LICKLE MOLLY

Innovative as ever, 'scotch' Phil Crowe recently came up with a new take on the "keep your spirits up" type conversation with Mave. During a discussion about the importance of living life to the full and how you've got to "squeeze as much in today as you can 'cos it might be your last" - Phil avoided using the usual cliches about ambitions to parachute from 30,000ft or climbing Mount Kilimanjaro in his pyjamas or even learning a new skill, such as lion taming perhaps. Instead, Phil managed to "squeeze every last drop" out of his day by taking the life changing decision to invest in a 10ft x 8ft shed rather than take the easy path and plug for a 'standard' 7ft x 5ft model. This truly earth shattering feat of derring do apparently shocked Mavis to the core - forcing her back on to the brandy that she'd seemingly 'gone off' since she consumed 3 bottles of the stuff the night that Sheila stayed on the sofa - wonder why?

You'll see from the pictures of the two sheds that Phil's decision to opt for the larger model certainly proves the point that there's no benefit in putting things off in life - you've just got to 'kin go for it! I mean, there's only a twenty quid difference between the two models - but the shed on the right just provides so much much more space in which to undertake high adrenelin adventure sports - e.g. storing paint cans in neat tower stacks or even, and hold on tight here everybody, spending hours making sure that the correct screws go in the correct storage trays. This is truly "living for today" at its most extreme - and I hope that Mave follows Phil's lead and pursues new adventures EVERY day. She might only start with a small 'garden tidy' - but its surely only a matter of time before she goes for the Big Daddy of them all - a roll-top 14ft x 12ft 'Ironman Workshop'. Go for it Mum you Crazy Bitch!

If you need more information about how you can incorporate sheds, shed related products or general household hardware items into an active and adrenelin fuelled lifestyle, then please book an appointment with Phil. A fee will apply for his time.